The Pirate Party Not Pirate-y Enough For You? Maybe You Need Kopimism, The Official Pirate Religion

Kopimism, founded by 19-year-old philosophy student, Isaac Gerson, is a new (still unaccredited) religion that believes "copying and the sharing of information is the most beautiful thing in the world." Having your information copied is a sign of respect and indicates that people believe you have done something well.

As a loyal member of the Freetardianism religion (kind of like Rastafarianism, only with more Kool-Aid and less smoke), I was visited by our mutal patron saint, Savelinkas, during a brief evening vision/blackout. The following words were seared into my brain like some sort of overly-long cattle brand and once I arrived home, I swiftly wrote down the saint's words, each one more astounding than the last. 

The Kopimism Path of Enchanted Light and Enlightened Chants, Chapter 1:

1. Now it came to pass in that day that the people spake to Isaac and said, &qout;Isaac, who will hear our lamentations and heed our cries? For lo, we are beset on all sides by oppressors. Is there none that will lessen our load, and indeed, our download times?"


2. The people cried as one, "We have been laid bare by their divinations. They have acted against us in malice. We have had our domains seized, our servers confiscated, our mellows harshed."


3. "We have seen brethren removed from their homes, connections cut, packets sniffed and motives vilified. Verily, we have been assailed by men who know not that of which they speak. They mix lies with the truth and mangle metaphors. They seek only vengeance and obscene amounts of damages."


4. And Isaac heard their lamentations and gathered unto him an alliance. He spake to them in urgent tones full of vigor and perhaps some illicit substances.


5. He said, "Is it just me or are my hands reaaaallly big right now? Also sharing, which has been derided as foul piracy, is unjustly punished within our borders, and indeed, amongst our brethren scattered throughout the many lands."


6. "We have been made villains and spectres among the living and have borne undue scrutiny for our acts. I will take our complaints to the mountain and speak with our Savior, Falkvinge, in hopes that he will act on behalf of his many acolytes who seek justice."


7. Adding, "Isn't sharing files like the most beautiful thing ever?"


8. And Isaac travelled to the mountain to seek justice for his people, travelling through harsh climes and multiple allegories.


9. Isaac spoke to Falkvinge of his people's travails. He laid bare his plan for a new religion, borne of his people's desire to freely share, seeking Falkvinge's blessing.


10. He said, "We seek understanding and respect for our actions and an ending to this oppression. We have looked to the government for help and have been cast out and deemed unclean. Canst thou not use thy 'pull' to grant our beliefs credibility?"


11. A thunderous sigh, borne of disappointment rather than anger, filled the air. Falkvinge spoke, shaking the mountain:


12. "Have I not given thee rules to abide by? Have I not made myself clear repeatedly? What commandments have I passed down to thee, in regards to these things?"


13. "Let's review. When drinking or otherwise impaired, thou shalt not discuss:
    • religion
    • politics
    • which actor was the consummate James Bond/Dr. Who."


14. "Neither shall thou maketh any bold proclamations or promises to others whilst influenced, in order that thou dost not raise false hopes within the people. And what have you done?"


15. And Isaac was afraid and he covered his face as his shame was laid bare and he did not answer for he had nothing.


16. "You have combined all of these 'shalt nots' into a half-assed scheme that shall surely maketh a mockery of us all! You have even forced me to use exclamation points, which are not normally found in religious texts! Roger Moore? Seriously?"


17. And Isaac protested, "But surely, Lord, you realize that the government is thick with corruption and greed, unlike major world religions. And surely you can recognize that without change from within, our people are surely fuckt?"


18. And Falkvinge hedged a bit and said he would "see what he could do" but "wouldst make no promises" and retired to his black-lit lair for a bit of a nap.


19. Isaac returned to his people with great haste and good cheer, delivering a hearty "definite maybe." A feast of epic proportions was planned but no one couldst agree on a date and it kind of fell apart after that.

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